[ she doesn't move an inch, as kaz bolts out of bed and spits out her title -- wraith -- but she nearly corrects him. nearly straightens her spine and says inej, but instead she remains quiet, and watches him attempt to stand. still not moving, still not trusting this bizarre circumstance.
but when he sits, though, and says her name -- and asks the question, is when inej finally moves. a tension escapes her, and she slips into the room silently, landing on her feet before immediately turning to close the window, pulling the shutter closed before she reaches over to turn on what appears to be a lamp. and her instinct is correct, as a flickering flame near the top abruptly bursts to a faint life as she touches the switch, illuminating her face as inej pushes back her hood.
her hair is down, still damp from washing it earlier, and she has what appears to be a small amount of swelling across the side of her face -- a healing injury, from her fight with van eck. and she nearly moves to sit next to him, suddenly exhausted after forcing herself to keep herself together for the last six or eight hours. but sitting next to kaz brekker is just going to cause kaz to want to move, and inej isn't entirely sure she can (or wants) to deal with that. not yet.
but there is no other bed, or really any other type of furniture in the room she can sit on, and while inej is certainly not bothered with fake standards of chivalry, she'll be damned if she sits on the floor while kaz fucking brekker sits on the bed. so she moves toward him, to sit next to him, speaking as she moves: ]
I imagine the answer is the same as yours: I was taken by the Witch, Astoria.
[ and, silently, inej takes a seat next to kaz on the bed, resting her palms on the mattress as she allows herself to exhale slowly. the pain in her ribs suddenly manifesting, now that she has time to relax. her fingers shaking, ever so silently, until she curls them closed into fists, to quell the nerves. ]
But if you mean your room, or finding you, I looked you up in the catalog. . . device, whatever it is. I saw you, and Jesper, and I decided to find you first.
[ it's all a bit ridiculous, really. how visceral his reaction had been, how on edge he's felt since he arrived. inej barely says a few words and he's reacting, standing, in pain. the seconds following are spent mostly in reflection on his part - stupid, stupid reacting. he needs to be better at that. needs to hold that in. he's not even certain if it is inej, so he keeps his eyes on the figure as she steps inside his room, closes the window, ignites a lamp.
the exhale he makes when he sees her face is audible, the tension sliding out of him in one exhausted breath.
because it is her. with a welt across her face and moving with what he can assume is some bruising, perhaps worse, but she is there. alive. whole. out of van eck's reach. part of him still thinks he's dreaming, that some heartrender on jurda parem has his mind in a vice grip. but still, he's exhausted, he's on edge, and watching inej move through the room is bringing him a kind of peace he only allows himself to acknowledge on the worst of nights.
she moves to sit next to him, and he won't lie - there is an urge to move, to slide over to give her more room. it curls under his skin like wire, the urge all consuming for just a moment. but kaz doesn't move, whether it's his own exhaustion, the pain still searing from his leg, or something else - his eyes following inej like he's still not completely convinced she's there. that even as the bed shifts under her (minimal) weight, he's still not certain.
kaz loosens his grip on his cane, realizing now he'd been keyed up to fight back, even given his odds. but with inej sitting at his side, the grip feels almost embarrassing. because, he has to be honest - she would have won that fight. so he loosens his grip, his eyes falling to where her hand is on the mattress, where the one between them slowly closes into a fist. he is still listening to her, and at the words his stomach tightens angrily. she'd been on the device, she had been on the device and he'd missed it, in his suspicions and his panicked searching he'd missed it. hate and shame curl in his gut at the idea of it, showing only in a slight tension over his shoulders.
he should have looked for inej. even when a voice in the back of his head answers you never thought her being here was possible, he still should have done it. another oversight, another mistake. he'd be dead at this rate, if they were still in ketterdam. if this place was anything like home. ]
And your injuries? [ it's an effort to keep his voice steady, to keep it above whatever wretched, soft thing it had been moments before, but he does it all the same. ]
[ there's a tension, in the room, that was never there before. they used to sit there constantly, keeping each other company, in relative silence. but now, there is a tension, and inej can't help but wonder if it's because of their last conversation, or the series of arguments that they've had, or how their last interaction that inej remembers went. they are on the same page, but not. a team, but not really.
it's overwhelming, and inej suddenly comes to the realization that she came here to feel safe, and she still does not feel safe. and part of her is angry about that, and part of her feels angry with herself for expecting safety out of kaz brekker -- but then kaz asks that question. which, for kaz, translates to are you alright. and that question gives her pause, because it's the first time inej remembers kaz bothering to ask her if she's fine.
he's probably asking to make sure you're well enough to do his bidding, came the bitter voice in the back of her mind. but inej draws in a breath. ]
A concussion, and broken or fractured ribs.
[ finally, uncurling her hands from fists to lay her palm flat against the mattress. ]
[ all he can think about is watching her get taken. standing on that island with kelvar, with jesper, watching inej's body carried away in the arms of grisha. that image burns in the back of his mind, even as he knows it's not the case any longer. even though he knows that inej is here. kaz takes a breath, aware of the tension. aware of how off this feels compared to the last time they sat alone together in the dark, in a room (or office), with just a single lamp. a greater part of him yearns for it, for those times. but a much larger, louder part of him says weak and he tucks the yearning away.
he did this, really. he's asking too much of inej, who has all the right to leave. who has no obligations towards him, anymore. he can offer her nothing, here, and that understandings settles under his skin like the damp fog of a ketterdam morning.
it had been an attempt to ask how she was doing. if she was still in pain. he can feel the way she pauses at the question, sitting just close enough that he can see as well as sense the shifts in her body. the way her hand uncurls. ]
You have. [ he agrees, understanding that most, if not all, of those times she has endured it has been due to his requests. ] But we don't have Grisha here to fix it. You should- [ a beat, where he (quite awkwardly) tries to find the words. the work his way through phrasing he's not normally comfortable with. ] You should rest while you can. The witch has apparently offered us lodging. [ he gestures to the room with the crow's head end of his cane. ]
[ you should rest. as if she could rest, while being trapped here, against her will. aching, without her saints to protect her. but she does have kaz, and jesper, and while inej has her doubts about how much she's actually worth to kaz brekker in this state, she does know that he would protect her, if only to protect his investment.
the thought causes a stir in her chest, a familiar frustration -- and inej quells it, closing her eyes after kaz indicates the rest of the room, drawing in a deep breath only to let it out slowly. meditative, focused, calm. she is safe here, and she can defend herself. no one would touch her here, and she could, at least, trust kaz with that much.
but her thoughts, too, linger of home, and of their conversation, and the fight. how she doesn't remember anything past being lifted by the grisha, of desperately trying to claw her way out of the grasp. and then it went dark, and then she wound up here. saints knows if she's even still alive, but if she were dead, she would think kaz would show a bit more emotion at seeing her up and about. maybe.
what about jesper, though? and mattias, and nina. wylan, and kaz. did they get away? does it even matter? they're trapped in a new prison, here, and none of that matters, except it does. and while jesper is likely a more reliable source of information, jesper is not kaz, and inej needs to hear it from him. ]
You might pretend otherwise, but we are supposed to be a team, Kaz.
[ quietly, as if she didn't hear anything he said, her eyes still closed, her hands moving to rest her elbows on her knees, fingertips resting against her forehead, to attempt to quell the headache settling underneath her skull. ]
I have taken bullets and knives for you, I have been beaten and burned to protect you, and I have done it willingly. [ to be clear. ] But I am running out of lives to spare.
[ it's said softly; not combatively, or aggressively. tiredly, before she draws her hands over her face, looking over at him, her lips pursed into a slight frown, eyes searching out his. ]
No more games, if we are going to survive here. No more half-truths or blind trust or hiding the ball from me. Are you going to give me that?
[ he should be expecting it - the shift in conversation, the silence between them. he cannot give inej what she wants from him, he couldn't on the deck of the ship and knows he couldn't now. he is the reason that she was taken, why van eck singled her out, and presented with the current situation he wasn't even the one to bring her home. the weight of that presses on his shoulders, more than usual, because this is different.
she should have her freedom. inej did not deserve to be here, to be dealing with this. he feels at fault for the bruises on her chest, the swelling on her head - more than he has before, really, and it's a guilt that feels different. holds a different weight. he leans away from it, objectively knowing it's not helpful, not here, and then inej begins to speak.
we're supposed to be a team.
kaz feels himself tense, every guard he'd let down in the last few minutes slowly pulled back together again. armor, piecemeal across his skin. she is not aggressive, with her tone. she is not angry, or upset, or combative. she is laying her concerns out before him and asking him to meet her halfway, but what does kaz have to give in return? ]
You don't owe me anything here, Inej. [ which...feels a bit like a non sequitur. but kaz looks ahead, at the floor of the room in front of them. his jaw feels tight, as the truth of it presses against his ribs. ] You have no debt, no Dregs asking for your loyalty. [ his tone felt like rough stone, no bitterness, no worry. simple fact weighted down by the truth of what it meant.
he takes a breath, his back straightening. his leg throbs, but kaz keeps his hands on his cane. keeps his eyes straight into the room. ] We can be a team if that is what you'd like, and I will do whatever I can to get us home. Whatever it takes to do that. [ inej, jesper. kaz could imagine this hell is due him for the deeds he's committed. could understand why he would be brought into some kind of cage, some kind of prison. but inej and jesper deserved to have their money, their freedom, their home. jesper may end up here anyway by his own hand, but not inej. inej deserved more.
he thinks about the things he should have said to her before now, how she wants him to promise, wants him to be honest, and he can't lie to her. ]
And I will not keep anything from you, if that's what you want from me, but you are asking honestly from a boy built off rumors and half-truths.
[ he won't look at her, which causes her hackles to rise slightly -- frustrated, that he won't even give her that. but then kaz begins to speak, and the tension -- the immediate fight in her shoulders -- leaves her body as he speaks. you don't owe me anything, inej, as if that were in debate. you have no debt, no dregs asking for your loyalty. except inej's loyalty isn't to the dregs, it's to him.
but it's really the last part, his acknowledgment of her request, and the slightest offering of truth in return that causes the corners of her mouth to twitch upward. because it's not perfect, and it isn't what she asked for, but it's a step. and for half a moment, it feels normal.
there is a lot he owes her -- an apology, for one. an actual discussion of where they stand, for another. a second apology, a third, and a fourth. and a new set of knives. but he's making some form of attempt, which is more than the . . . harsh demand he had asked of her, on the ship. to stay, without giving her a reason. not that he's giving her a reason now, but kaz making some kind of attempt is better than nothing. it's not enough, for the long-term, but . . . for now, it's enough for her to save her fight for later.
inej straightens her back, and extends a hand toward him -- gently touching his forearm, curling her fingers against the sleeve of his shirt, brief and light before removing her hand from his arm. ]
We are a team. [ a slight correction. ] And we are going to go home. We can discuss the finer details of what that means later.
[ her tone is has more strength in it, now, and she folds her arms back over her middle, offering kaz a faint smile. ]
And I told Nina you had claws for hands, once. So I take credit for some of those half-truths and rumors.
[ he tenses the briefest amount when her hand touches his arm - he should have expected as much, maybe. expected her to reach out for him, expected a hand on his. there is a small part of him that is glad for it, that for all their argument had been and for all that inej has every right never to even look at him again now that she is free to, there is still the hand on his forearm. against his sleeve.
the tension is there, and then gone, just as quickly. in it's place is that same complicated tightness in his chest, the same feeling that had motivated him to speak. to ask her to stay. to turn to her in that last moment.
we are a team and he does recognize the softer tilt to the words. for now, he has avoided that conversation. for now he's avoided that fight. kaz lets out a breath and shakes his head, his own slightest smile curling at the corner of his mouth. ]
I like that idea. Claws for hands. [ he uncurls and then recurls his gloved hand around his cane. ] Makes for a very interesting reveal.
[ there will be another fight, and inej recognizes that. but for now, she is exhausted, and tired, and they need to to get through this evening and into the next morning. she can fight another day, and she will. but for now, inej is content to just be, and revel in the fact that she is not in the hands of someone she loathes, but sitting on a bed with someone she -- well. someone she something.
it can be figured out later.
for now, she allows half a laugh to escape, a tiny sound that sounds like more of an exhale. ]
As if you could pick locks with claws for hands. Not that Nina believed me.
[ most people are so stupid. but for every question inej got about kaz, she delivered a lie or a preposterous rumor in return. if they wanted to know about him so badly, they could ask him to his face. but inej breathes deeply, exhaling to release some pressure on her ribs, beginning to realize that the longer she remains here, the more likely it is she won't be able to move. she's allowed herself time to rest, which means the pain has caught up to her.
she still needs to find jesper. to talk to him, to mend whatever bridge had been burned if kaz found him first. but for now, kaz is right - she should rest. she can always call jesper on this . . . device thing to let him know she is here, to assuage his fear that he might be stuck here with only kaz for company. what a nightmare.
. . . which causes her to remember, and inej looks back over at him. ]
What happened, after the grisha took me?
[ quietly -- not meant to make him upset, but the need to know. and, in another quiet statement. a careful reminder, just in case kaz brekker has already decided to find a loophole: ]
[ there's some amusement to his voice, like he could almost laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. he's heard his fair share of rumors, about how his hands are stained with the blood of those he's murdered, of bodies he's killed, hidden. that he's got demon claws, like inej had mentioned, and all sorts of other descriptions.
somewhere in those following moments, the tension continues to ease. kaz lets himself be relieved that inej is here, that inej is safe, that she is here with him. it's selfish, and he knows that, but he lets it happen. lets the feeling settle. safety is never something that kaz takes for granted, knowing how little of it they ever really have, but right now? in this moment? where van eck is nowhere to be found?
he feels inej relax, and kaz lets that relief seep into him. there's more they should talk about, there's more that needs to be said, but as long as inej is feeling better and doesn't want to push, kaz will is going to let it go. doesn't want to, necessarily, bring it up. but then inej continues, and then he tenses again. you promised me honesty. ]
I invented a new trick. [ the tension is still there, right under his skin. ] I was going to get you back, whatever it took.
[ the tension ebbs and flows, with kaz. it's not something she is unused to, watching him relax and build energy again within the same breath. his facial expressions typically tell a detailed story of what he is thinking. she can tell when he is thinking, or scheming, or hiding something. happy, or sad, or angry. even as little as inej knows kaz, she has full faith that she knows him best of all. which likely isn't saying much.
i invented a new trick, causes her lips to twitch into a faint smile, but the smile vanishes with his next statement, the tension boiling underneath his skin. and she reaches out, without hesitation this time, to take his wrist, gently curling her fingers around the fabric of his shirt, to get his attention. to look at her. ]
What new trick?
[ quiet, the conversation still private. ]
Did you all get off the island? Are the rest of you safe?
[ the thing about kaz brekker's plans is that he has them much more often than he has solutions for them. steps one through twelve, sure, but each and every step has a variety of factors. this plan, in particular, was still in the creation stage. was still being pieced together, ideas and possibilities falling into place.
her hand wraps around his wrist - gentle but insistent. his eyes fall to where her hand is wrapped around his wrist. his eyes remain on her hand for another moment before he lets out another breath, still not lifting his eyes to her, but also not tense under her hand. ]
Yes, the rest are safe. [ because that is an honesty he can give her. ]
[ she could strangle him, sometimes, with his utter refusal to just speak. he doesn't want to tell her his new trick, which means inej won't approve of his new trick. or that he sacrificed something not worth her own life in the pursuit of -- what, exactly?
what is he hiding. and why won't he look at her.
inej lifts her free hand to touch the side of his face, to gently turn his head to face her, to look her in the eyes, her other hand still loosely on his wrist. it's a vulnerable position to be in, but she didn't get kidnapped and flown across an ocean to have kaz brekker dodging a simple question and refusing to look her in the eye.
she was worth more than that. ]
I do not want to hear this from Jesper; I am asking you.
[ oh, inej absolutely won't approve of the new trick. kaz knew that the second he started to formulate it. but he also wasn't going about it for her approval. the feeling of standing on that isolated island in the middle of the harmor fills him again - inej had wanted kaz to become someone else, a better person, a gentler thief. but that boy had no place. that boy was dead.
he flexes his fingers around the cane again, letting inej's frustration with him settle. it fits around him tightly, like the wool of his coat. her hand lifts, and he's aware of it, following the movement as it comes to settle against his cheek, as she turns his face towards her. his body tenses at the contact, like electricity had been shot down his spine, but he turns to her all the same. meets her eyes.
she's beautiful he thinks, briefly, as she sets her jaw.
inej does deserve the truth- that much kaz knows. inej deserves the truth, and her freedom, and all the great things she could ever way. a ship, a crew, access to ammunition, information to track down every slaver she could ever find. she deserves a better person than kaz could ever be, and he knows that, knows it to his core, and yet.
he meets her eyes - nothing in his gaze lends itself to hiding, to lying, to bluffing. he matches her gaze with a crafted, solid look of his own. there's something behind the dark irises that stare back at her, an admission that it wasn't even a full trick, not even a full plan, but merely the shape of one, mass and energy coalescing together. ]
I am going to make Van Eck pay. [ said simply, distinctly. like there is no question about it. ] I’m going carve his life hollow, burn his name from the ledger. There will be nothing left.
[ the words come not with hate- no, hate would be too simple. there is something else, something black and unforgiving behind his eyes. not directed at inej in any capacity, but present all the same.
and his vague answer has absolutely nothing to do with the fact his player currently has not read crooked kingdom and has no idea what he's planning but that's fine!!!! ]
[ it's in looking kaz in the eye that inej finally understands -- the trick is that he has no trick. not yet, anyway. he's still thinking, and scheming, and figuring it out. but he knows his end goal, which . . . typically, inej would be disappointed in, but this time? it's bigger than petty gang rivalry; it could very well be the fate of their world, if van eck is allowed to wreak . havoc with jurda parem as he so plans.
inej doubts kaz thinks of it that way. he is very single-minded, and not all too concerned with the fate of the world outside of ketterdam. but he does value her, to . . . some extent, inej isn't sure, but she doubts if she were at his side, and if it were nina, or mattias, or wylan, or jesper in the claws of van eck, that he would be so hellbent on tearing van eck's heart from his chest.
or maybe he would. inej pretends to know kaz just as much as kaz pretends to know her. who knows what motivates him anymore. she had thought she knew, but it's obvious by now that she has no idea.
she seems to realize belatedly that kaz has tensed, with her hand against his face -- not moving away, but also not relaxed. and she watches his expression for a long moment before she withdraws her hand, fingers briefly caressing his cheek before she sets her hands in her lap, releasing his wrist in the same motion. and for a moment, she really has no idea what to say.
express frustration, maybe, or apologize. say everything she had wanted to say to him on the ship. try to pry more information out of him. find a corner to cry in because none of this was supposed to happen, because over her dead body would she allow kaz brekker to see her cry. give up and go to sleep. maybe all of the above.
but after all of that consideration, the only thought that pops into her head is: ]
Can I stay here, for the night?
[ it's quiet, tired, the exhaustion showing in her features as she ignores the little voice inside her head telling her that kaz just cringed at her physical touch, how would he react to someone sharing his space? and, to add to her question, a quiet explanation as she pushes her hair out of her face, gingerly touching the side of her face where the bruise is deepening: ]
I don't want to be alone, and Jesper will ask me too many questions.
[ it's a strange mix of emotions - feeling both relieved but also worse as inej pulls her hand from his face. it's shame, that curls in his gut, at the way he still reacts even to her. especially to her. but even the most brief or touches, a warmth of skin on skin, courses a tension through him. his head feels a little lightheaded, like the blood is quickly rushing away from his brain, but with a blink it straightens out again. kaz does hold her eyes for that long moment before she pulls away from him, thinking keep it together, if you can't for her then who will you ever?
the expression she gives him back tells him all he needs to know.
her question pulls an exhale from him, all of what he'd been holding in released in a single moment. his eyes fall to the bed, to where he should have just taken her hand, and where he'd lost out on his chance. ]
Of course. [ said simply, like there was never another option.
a few other phrases pop into his mind, then. i'd rather jesper didn't offer, anyway or i assumed you would. but kaz brekker, for all his mistakes and all his faults, knows well enough to go that far. instead, he pauses, collects himself enough as he turns to face the room again, staring out into the space. ]
I would- [ words flit by, options, roads he could take. he lets out another breath. she wanted honesty, she asked for honesty. ] Like that. If you stayed.
[ the ship comes back into focus for him, the wind whistling around them, inej's dream of owning a ship. stay in ketterdam...stay with me. he can't bring himself to repeat the words, knowing how that moment ends. ]
[ i would like that if you stayed. of course he would. and the memory, too, rushes into her mind, and inej considers her unspoken plea, to give her a reason. but kaz did not, and now, he doesn't. mostly because inej already supplied the reason for him.
it's complicated, and inej's heart aches, thinking of that moment -- because it would be easier if she hated him, or could cut him off easily. but she doesn't hate him, and inej doubts she ever will. kaz may not recognize it, but he saved her, and still saves her, and is the reason she alives. and no matter how hard she tries, it's hard to disconnect that image of him in her mind. he came back for her. some part of him must care. somewhere.
maybe. again, it's a different conversation for a different time. and so she sighs, undoing the clasp of her hood to remove it properly, to allow her hair room to actually dry. she should, honestly, change into something else, but doing so now is out of the question. inej still maintains her modesty. ]
So I'll stay.
[ simply enough, undoing the bracers on her arms, removing sankt petyr from his holster to set on the nearby bedside table. ginger, purposeful, in her actions. she hesitates for a moment, though, before swapping the bracers for the knife, setting them on the table and placing the knife underneath the pillow on the far end of the bed, against the wall. keeping it close.
but the memory of the ship is close, and she struggles with that for a moment. deciding whether to bring it up. to have that conversation . . . but instead, inej pulls her legs up onto the bed properly, to scoot herself back against the wall. she's impossibly small, in comparison to everyone else. fragile, unless you know what she's capable of.
for half a second, she considers what she's about to say, to protect herself from the rejection that's sure to come -- but in the next second, inej decides she doesn't give half a damn about kaz's comfort. she gives a damn about her own.
so, as she curls herself into the corner of the bed, leaving plenty of room for another person (or two, given how tiny she is): ]
You should lay down, too. Your leg needs to rest. So do you.
[ the seconds that they sit in silence have kaz's head pounding against the inside of his skull. he knows that there is more for him to say, more he should explain, that he should offer because inej deserves to hear. except that through it all, there is a very loud, very obvious fact that echoes above the pounding, that cuts through the noise. she deserves a lot more than just him.
and whether that is the case, or the tension in his body has caused his leg to start to throb, kaz feels an exhale escape him when she finally speaks. so she will stay. so she wants to stay. and in the following movement as she undoes the braces and her hood and settles, kaz feels himself breath. relax. feel...at ease. it's a familiar enough sensation, that with inej he feels himself back into place, but he acknowledges the feeling with little regard to what it actually means.
because whatever it is, it will not last. they will return home, he will get them all their money, and she will be on her way. it is the future he has accepted, and will accept, no matter this setback.
inej moves to the corner of the bed, propping herself against the corner. there is a weight to the way she moves insofar that he can tell she is thinking about something. that there is something weighing on her mind, and therefore in her movement. but as she settles, and curls herself into the corner, her words...surprise him. and at her prompting his eyes turn down to his legs, feeling the slowly increasing throbbing move up his thigh, and he takes a breath. ]
We'll need food, too. And to lock the door. [ and for him to get up, and go to the other bed. but she is absolutely correct, his leg is hurting, which means that kaz brekker is going to just continue to be silent for a few more moments - as if he's thinking - to see if the pain will subside. ]
The door is locked. [ inej came through the window, but she knows kaz brekker well enough to know that he would never leave a door unlocked in an unfamiliar area. he's dumb, but he's not stupid. ] And we've starved before, we'll starve again.
[ a bit more blithe, than she intended, but food is the last thing on her mind, now that they've finally obtained some semblance of peace and quiet. wandering around this place in the dark is the last thing she wants to do, and if kaz cannot run, then she can't adequately defend him in the condition that she's in. so she's quiet for a long moment, allowing her eyes to close, her breathing becoming more or less even, before she speaks again: ]
Stop being difficult for the sake of being difficult and lay down.
[ she is...right, of course. when isn't she. kaz sits still on the bed ask she counters his points, as her voice grows more and more tired with it. he feels the urge in him, to tell her to rest, to lay down, regain her strength. he doesn't know what will be asked of them tomorrow, what they will need to do in order to survive this new place, this new obstacle
and we've starved before, we'll starve again.
kaz can feel that part of him rile in his chest, the desperate child, dirtyhands, pulling apart the inside of his chest and screaming never again. but he doesn't give voice to the sound, doesn't so much as acknowledge the real, understood fear that they both have experienced. that they know. it's a moment (not the only, but one) that kaz feels connected to inej in more ways than just the dregs, and it takes him a second to process that. ]
I'm not being difficult. [ which, kaz realizes half a second too late, is in itself being difficult. and in realizing that, he tenses, then releases the tension, realizing that even with all that surrounds them it is still them, and he can still. relax.
except for the fact that inej says lay down and kaz looks back over to see how little of the bed she has curled into. puts together the pieces that she is telling him to lay down there. with her. there is a laundry list of reasons he shouldn't, reasons he should move over to the currently empty bed, but he also thinks about van eck. thinks about what she has gone through, the wounds she still suffers from. kaz opens his mouth to speak - did he hurt you, what did he do - but swallows it back instead.
he is exhausted. his leg is already hurting. he knows he won't sleep much anyway, once he makes it across the room - needing to check on her, needing to know she's still there, still alright. so instead, kaz lets out a breath, shifting every so slightly before he moves to lay down on the half of the bed inej has left open - as close to the edge as possible. he doesn't say anything as he does it, simply lays back and settles. he is still fully clothed, still has his cane tucked under his arm, but he is. laying down.
in the same bed with inej. which shouldn't be a point that sticks out to him, and yet the thought crosses his mind again. and again. even as exhaustion slowly starts to weigh on him, it is there. with each breath she takes, each sound she makes. he is as eased by it as he is on edge, but he has made his decision. ]
[ the suli word slips off her tongue automatically, a habit -- know nothing. it's a murmur, a tired one -- her eyes don't open, as she feels him shift to lay down, though the arch of her eyebrow twitches slightly, fighting off the urge to look -- surprised, really, that he actually did lay down, though part of her realizes that doing so is likely just to make sure she stays put. but even then, it's a certain tolerance of something he hates to appease her, which (inej admits) is the lowest of bars to satisfy, and inej is quietly thankful for the closeness, even if he somehow manages to feel far away.
why does he avoid touch, the skin-to-skin contact most people crave? it's a question that has bothered her since the ice court, since kaz passed out in that prison wagon on the way inside. he will never tell her, and inej would never think to pry it out of him. but kaz's weakness are obvious, if you know where to look. how quickly would he cave, being forced to touch someone, when he can barely manage being in the same proximity of the one he trusts the most? and even that is a stretch, given how much he hides from her, and how reluctant he is to share.
for the first time, in allowing her thoughts to settle, inej is glad van eck took her, and not kaz. kaz may very well break first. and the thought causes a weight to form in her throat, and inej draws in a deep breath, letting it out slowly to relax, to let the tension go. to will herself to focus on the fact that she is here, and not there. it's a new prison, but it's a prison with friends. and kaz. that's better than what she was in before.
she's not helpless, here. and that was the issue, in the end -- being taken made her feel helpless. being locked away made her feel as if she were back there, and inej runs her fingers along her left forearm, where the tattoo of the menagerie used to rest, before she exhales another breath.
she needs to talk about it, or share it, or do something. but only kaz, really, knows about the menagerie. and even then, he doesn't no one does, except perhaps nina, who had the great fortune to work somewhere that gave half a damn about her. and no one would dare mess with nina, who could cut off your breathing with a bat of her perfectly fluffed eyelashes. she had swore she would never feel so helpless again, and yet all it took was one man throwing her into a cell and chaining her legs together to be reduced to a helpless little girl again -- ]
Kaz --
[ she rests her hand in the center of the bed, fingers gently brushing against his arm -- almost moving to take it properly, but she stops herself. don't push your luck, inej. it's more to get his attention, anyway, inching backwards to give him more space. she almost tells him he doesn't need to sleep with his coat and gloves on, because she won't touch him, but instead she lets his name hang in the air for a long moment before she murmurs: ]
How did you break your leg?
[ she knows the story. she's heard it a hundred times, mostly heard in a lecture from kaz to anyone stupid enough to think that inej would fall off of a roof, like kaz did when he was young and stupid. you expect that little waif of a girl to be a spider? pere haskell was fond of complaining, before inej proved she could melt through walls and reappear in the blink of an eye. silent, deadly. it's a ridiculously stupid attempt to get him to relax, but also to get him to talk, so that she may have something to fall asleep to, other than the oppressive silence of their new prison cell. ]
[ and there it is again - that word he's heard before, the word he's heard from inej before. he realizes, each time it comes up, that he could ask her what it means. that if he didn't want to ask her, he could go find a translation, someone who spoke the language, who could tell him what it meant. but at the same time, he understands why he doesn't. he understands why, even after so long, he's never looked into the meaning behind the word she will sometimes mutter - low enough not to be heard by anyone except him.
it feels almost right, in the moment. that he responds the way he does, that she chastises him in another language, as they both settle onto the same twin bed with the barest sliver of space between them. it feels familiar, like they could be up in his office instead, with the window open and inej's foot hanging out of it. with papers, and boxes, and plans, all stacked around him. this feels almost familiar, almost, except for the unspoken quiet between them, the tension he can feel in her, even though she was the one to get him to lay back. he knows he should be relaxing, that there is merit to her telling him to rest - if they have any hope of getting out of this, out of here, it will not help to be exhausted and in pain.
but there are too many thoughts racing through his head - were you hurt, what did van eck do to you, what happened, how would you like me to gut him, how many ways are there to record his screams - that he nearly misses his name, quietly set out in the space between them. he can feel inej's body move, he can feel the barest hint of her fingertips across his arm, and it all feels quiet. hesitant. on edge. he hates that, about this. about how fragile he has made the space between them. but at the same time, that fragility is for their own good, if she ever plans on leaving ketterdam. if he is going to get her her money, her boat.
still - her fingers on his arm procure a kind of longing. a kind of feeling of wanting something that he knows neither of them can have. inej deserves better than the mess of mismatched lies that has created the dirty hands reputation, deserves better than what the barrel has to offer. what ketterdam has to offer. what he-
how did you break your leg?
the question catches him off-guard, in a way. it's not the first thing he thought she'd ask, nor is it the second, or third. it disrupts the hole he'd been falling into, that had been working his body tighter and tighter. she asks, and the question hangs, and kaz lets out a breath - slow, measured, soft - and it carries the tension in his body with it. ]
My leg? [ she's heard the story, he's told it to her countless times - on the days when she asked why he wasn't the one scaling rooftops, that if he knew so much why he didn't just climb up there to try. but in thinking back on the story, there are other layers to what had brought him to that point. why, in a way, he revelled in the pain in his leg, the limp to his gait. dirtyhands brekker could be picked out of a crowd because of his limp, if kaz wanted to be. it was as much of a calling card as anything could be.
so why was inej asking about it now? why did she want him to speak, to break the silence that had been hovering around them? the only answer kaz could think up would be that she wanted to hear a story, that she wanted to hear someone's voice, to not be alone here, even as they are laying side by side. so kaz lets out another breath, feels his body relax further into this too soft bed. ]
I was young. Young and stupid. [ it's how he always starts it, by setting the stage of where he had been. what he had been doing. ] I was on a job- and easy one, at that. Sneaking into a home of someone that doesn't matter anymore, had barely mattered then. I slipped and fell right off the side of the molding and heard a snap. The bones didn't set right when I had the leg looked at, and that was that. [ he takes his time with the words, a slow almost-drawl through the normally sharp, normally gravel tone he carried with him. he doesn't know if inej is asleep, yet, or if that was even what she was trying to do. to get him to talk long enough that exhaustion would pull her under. so he waits another second, maybe a second more, before turning slightly to look at her. just to check her breathing, to see if her eyes are closed. ]
[ the image of kaz falling off a roof is a pretty satisfying one, depending on the day. and her lip curls up slightly, into a faint smile, at the beginning of the story, but the smile doesn't remain as the story continues. it's not funny, what happened, but it is satisfying to know that she is good at something that kaz is not.
she feels his head turn slightly, to look at her, but her eyes remain closed -- lying on her side, breathing evenly, silent . . . but she speaks, her voice still soft: ]
You need to learn how to fall without a net.
[ her fingers curl into the bedding slightly. ]
It's a lot less terrifying, once you fall for the first time.
[ he doesn't see the smile, necessarily, but he can feel a bit of the air lighten between them. he likes to think it is because of the story, because of his gut feeling, but he also knows he has no real right to take credit for it as it is - at minimum - what inej deserves.
to relax, to rest, to sleep. why she would want to do any of those with him on the bed next to her, he doesn't know. but he's not exactly in the position to question her. her eyes don't open when he turns, so part of him does believe she has fallen asleep. except there are her words, her fingers curling lightly on the bed.
almost. ]
I don't have many more legs to spare, Wraith. [ but the words are softer, quieter, part joke and part whisper as he is trying to let her fall further into sleep. ] So I'll leave the climbing to you.
[ kaz brekker does not quite let himself acknowledge whatever emotion it is that laces those words. fondness, softness, maybe something more. but whatever it is creeps its way around his walls, pulling a very, very small smile to his lips.
and then the moment passes, and kaz turns his eyes back up to the ceiling. to the strange architecture that is the room. he feels his own exhaustion pulling at him, making his body heavy, and almost belated he realizes there is...no real reason to fight it. ]
Sleep.
[ which is said as much to her as it is to him, as he lets his eyes fall closed. ]
[ a bit reproachful, an unspoken don't tell me what to do, however meaningless and irrelevant the threat is. but she can feel him relax, slightly, into the mattress, his own breathing slowing . . . it seems he's taking his own advice, and inej remains still, silent, her own breathing slow and careful. to trick him into thinking she fell asleep.
inej is not a good liar. she is a devout girl, firm in her beliefs, in her trust and faith in her culture, and her saints. kaz mocks them, but she tries her best to live a good life, and as a result, she is not a very good liar. but she also doesn't have to be -- she simply remains quiet, omitting the truth, speaking only when necessary. inej is good at being invisible, at being unnoticeable, and pretending she is not there. lying is more kaz's natural gift; inej is simply there to gather information, while he is busy weaving the tale.
so remaining still, silent, mimicking the breathing of sleep while her mind wanders. wanders to van eck. wanders to the cell she woke up in, right before being brought here. to being blindfolded, shackled, chained. having no idea where she was, or what van eck did to her. what he was planning on doing to her. kaz may only have one leg left to break, but inej has two. and will kaz truly come and save her, and get to her in time, before van eck kills her? if he comes at all?
he said he would, inej told herself silently. and kaz was not lying to her, then. he would come get her. he would come get you. he will save you. again. again, and you will owe him another favor, another debt. but you will live, and survive, and eventually, be free. you will be free.
she eventually drifts off into an uneasy sleep, hours later, breathing even, a hand underneath her pillow to curl her fingers around the hilt of sankt petyr. a security blanket, like the boy lying next to her. tricking her into thinking she is safe, for the time being. but it is sleep. a tiny moment of recovery, until inej has to wake up and properly deal with whatever has befallen them now.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
( action )
Date: 2018-11-09 12:35 pm (UTC)but when he sits, though, and says her name -- and asks the question, is when inej finally moves. a tension escapes her, and she slips into the room silently, landing on her feet before immediately turning to close the window, pulling the shutter closed before she reaches over to turn on what appears to be a lamp. and her instinct is correct, as a flickering flame near the top abruptly bursts to a faint life as she touches the switch, illuminating her face as inej pushes back her hood.
her hair is down, still damp from washing it earlier, and she has what appears to be a small amount of swelling across the side of her face -- a healing injury, from her fight with van eck. and she nearly moves to sit next to him, suddenly exhausted after forcing herself to keep herself together for the last six or eight hours. but sitting next to kaz brekker is just going to cause kaz to want to move, and inej isn't entirely sure she can (or wants) to deal with that. not yet.
but there is no other bed, or really any other type of furniture in the room she can sit on, and while inej is certainly not bothered with fake standards of chivalry, she'll be damned if she sits on the floor while kaz fucking brekker sits on the bed. so she moves toward him, to sit next to him, speaking as she moves: ]
I imagine the answer is the same as yours: I was taken by the Witch, Astoria.
[ and, silently, inej takes a seat next to kaz on the bed, resting her palms on the mattress as she allows herself to exhale slowly. the pain in her ribs suddenly manifesting, now that she has time to relax. her fingers shaking, ever so silently, until she curls them closed into fists, to quell the nerves. ]
But if you mean your room, or finding you, I looked you up in the catalog. . . device, whatever it is. I saw you, and Jesper, and I decided to find you first.
( action )
Date: 2018-11-09 03:33 pm (UTC)the exhale he makes when he sees her face is audible, the tension sliding out of him in one exhausted breath.
because it is her. with a welt across her face and moving with what he can assume is some bruising, perhaps worse, but she is there. alive. whole. out of van eck's reach. part of him still thinks he's dreaming, that some heartrender on jurda parem has his mind in a vice grip. but still, he's exhausted, he's on edge, and watching inej move through the room is bringing him a kind of peace he only allows himself to acknowledge on the worst of nights.
she moves to sit next to him, and he won't lie - there is an urge to move, to slide over to give her more room. it curls under his skin like wire, the urge all consuming for just a moment. but kaz doesn't move, whether it's his own exhaustion, the pain still searing from his leg, or something else - his eyes following inej like he's still not completely convinced she's there. that even as the bed shifts under her (minimal) weight, he's still not certain.
kaz loosens his grip on his cane, realizing now he'd been keyed up to fight back, even given his odds. but with inej sitting at his side, the grip feels almost embarrassing. because, he has to be honest - she would have won that fight. so he loosens his grip, his eyes falling to where her hand is on the mattress, where the one between them slowly closes into a fist. he is still listening to her, and at the words his stomach tightens angrily. she'd been on the device, she had been on the device and he'd missed it, in his suspicions and his panicked searching he'd missed it. hate and shame curl in his gut at the idea of it, showing only in a slight tension over his shoulders.
he should have looked for inej. even when a voice in the back of his head answers you never thought her being here was possible, he still should have done it. another oversight, another mistake. he'd be dead at this rate, if they were still in ketterdam. if this place was anything like home. ]
And your injuries? [ it's an effort to keep his voice steady, to keep it above whatever wretched, soft thing it had been moments before, but he does it all the same. ]
( action )
Date: 2018-11-09 04:29 pm (UTC)it's overwhelming, and inej suddenly comes to the realization that she came here to feel safe, and she still does not feel safe. and part of her is angry about that, and part of her feels angry with herself for expecting safety out of kaz brekker -- but then kaz asks that question. which, for kaz, translates to are you alright. and that question gives her pause, because it's the first time inej remembers kaz bothering to ask her if she's fine.
he's probably asking to make sure you're well enough to do his bidding, came the bitter voice in the back of her mind. but inej draws in a breath. ]
A concussion, and broken or fractured ribs.
[ finally, uncurling her hands from fists to lay her palm flat against the mattress. ]
I've endured worse.
( action )
Date: 2018-11-09 08:44 pm (UTC)he did this, really. he's asking too much of inej, who has all the right to leave. who has no obligations towards him, anymore. he can offer her nothing, here, and that understandings settles under his skin like the damp fog of a ketterdam morning.
it had been an attempt to ask how she was doing. if she was still in pain. he can feel the way she pauses at the question, sitting just close enough that he can see as well as sense the shifts in her body. the way her hand uncurls. ]
You have. [ he agrees, understanding that most, if not all, of those times she has endured it has been due to his requests. ] But we don't have Grisha here to fix it. You should- [ a beat, where he (quite awkwardly) tries to find the words. the work his way through phrasing he's not normally comfortable with. ] You should rest while you can. The witch has apparently offered us lodging. [ he gestures to the room with the crow's head end of his cane. ]
( action )
Date: 2018-11-09 09:25 pm (UTC)the thought causes a stir in her chest, a familiar frustration -- and inej quells it, closing her eyes after kaz indicates the rest of the room, drawing in a deep breath only to let it out slowly. meditative, focused, calm. she is safe here, and she can defend herself. no one would touch her here, and she could, at least, trust kaz with that much.
but her thoughts, too, linger of home, and of their conversation, and the fight. how she doesn't remember anything past being lifted by the grisha, of desperately trying to claw her way out of the grasp. and then it went dark, and then she wound up here. saints knows if she's even still alive, but if she were dead, she would think kaz would show a bit more emotion at seeing her up and about. maybe.
what about jesper, though? and mattias, and nina. wylan, and kaz. did they get away? does it even matter? they're trapped in a new prison, here, and none of that matters, except it does. and while jesper is likely a more reliable source of information, jesper is not kaz, and inej needs to hear it from him. ]
You might pretend otherwise, but we are supposed to be a team, Kaz.
[ quietly, as if she didn't hear anything he said, her eyes still closed, her hands moving to rest her elbows on her knees, fingertips resting against her forehead, to attempt to quell the headache settling underneath her skull. ]
I have taken bullets and knives for you, I have been beaten and burned to protect you, and I have done it willingly. [ to be clear. ] But I am running out of lives to spare.
[ it's said softly; not combatively, or aggressively. tiredly, before she draws her hands over her face, looking over at him, her lips pursed into a slight frown, eyes searching out his. ]
No more games, if we are going to survive here. No more half-truths or blind trust or hiding the ball from me. Are you going to give me that?
( action )
Date: 2018-11-09 11:23 pm (UTC)she should have her freedom. inej did not deserve to be here, to be dealing with this. he feels at fault for the bruises on her chest, the swelling on her head - more than he has before, really, and it's a guilt that feels different. holds a different weight. he leans away from it, objectively knowing it's not helpful, not here, and then inej begins to speak.
we're supposed to be a team.
kaz feels himself tense, every guard he'd let down in the last few minutes slowly pulled back together again. armor, piecemeal across his skin. she is not aggressive, with her tone. she is not angry, or upset, or combative. she is laying her concerns out before him and asking him to meet her halfway, but what does kaz have to give in return? ]
You don't owe me anything here, Inej. [ which...feels a bit like a non sequitur. but kaz looks ahead, at the floor of the room in front of them. his jaw feels tight, as the truth of it presses against his ribs. ] You have no debt, no Dregs asking for your loyalty. [ his tone felt like rough stone, no bitterness, no worry. simple fact weighted down by the truth of what it meant.
he takes a breath, his back straightening. his leg throbs, but kaz keeps his hands on his cane. keeps his eyes straight into the room. ] We can be a team if that is what you'd like, and I will do whatever I can to get us home. Whatever it takes to do that. [ inej, jesper. kaz could imagine this hell is due him for the deeds he's committed. could understand why he would be brought into some kind of cage, some kind of prison. but inej and jesper deserved to have their money, their freedom, their home. jesper may end up here anyway by his own hand, but not inej. inej deserved more.
he thinks about the things he should have said to her before now, how she wants him to promise, wants him to be honest, and he can't lie to her. ]
And I will not keep anything from you, if that's what you want from me, but you are asking honestly from a boy built off rumors and half-truths.
( action )
Date: 2018-11-10 12:18 am (UTC)but it's really the last part, his acknowledgment of her request, and the slightest offering of truth in return that causes the corners of her mouth to twitch upward. because it's not perfect, and it isn't what she asked for, but it's a step. and for half a moment, it feels normal.
there is a lot he owes her -- an apology, for one. an actual discussion of where they stand, for another. a second apology, a third, and a fourth. and a new set of knives. but he's making some form of attempt, which is more than the . . . harsh demand he had asked of her, on the ship. to stay, without giving her a reason. not that he's giving her a reason now, but kaz making some kind of attempt is better than nothing. it's not enough, for the long-term, but . . . for now, it's enough for her to save her fight for later.
inej straightens her back, and extends a hand toward him -- gently touching his forearm, curling her fingers against the sleeve of his shirt, brief and light before removing her hand from his arm. ]
We are a team. [ a slight correction. ] And we are going to go home. We can discuss the finer details of what that means later.
[ her tone is has more strength in it, now, and she folds her arms back over her middle, offering kaz a faint smile. ]
And I told Nina you had claws for hands, once. So I take credit for some of those half-truths and rumors.
( action )
Date: 2018-11-10 03:15 pm (UTC)the tension is there, and then gone, just as quickly. in it's place is that same complicated tightness in his chest, the same feeling that had motivated him to speak. to ask her to stay. to turn to her in that last moment.
we are a team and he does recognize the softer tilt to the words. for now, he has avoided that conversation. for now he's avoided that fight. kaz lets out a breath and shakes his head, his own slightest smile curling at the corner of his mouth. ]
I like that idea. Claws for hands. [ he uncurls and then recurls his gloved hand around his cane. ] Makes for a very interesting reveal.
( action )
Date: 2018-11-10 03:59 pm (UTC)it can be figured out later.
for now, she allows half a laugh to escape, a tiny sound that sounds like more of an exhale. ]
As if you could pick locks with claws for hands. Not that Nina believed me.
[ most people are so stupid. but for every question inej got about kaz, she delivered a lie or a preposterous rumor in return. if they wanted to know about him so badly, they could ask him to his face. but inej breathes deeply, exhaling to release some pressure on her ribs, beginning to realize that the longer she remains here, the more likely it is she won't be able to move. she's allowed herself time to rest, which means the pain has caught up to her.
she still needs to find jesper. to talk to him, to mend whatever bridge had been burned if kaz found him first. but for now, kaz is right - she should rest. she can always call jesper on this . . . device thing to let him know she is here, to assuage his fear that he might be stuck here with only kaz for company. what a nightmare.
. . . which causes her to remember, and inej looks back over at him. ]
What happened, after the grisha took me?
[ quietly -- not meant to make him upset, but the need to know. and, in another quiet statement. a careful reminder, just in case kaz brekker has already decided to find a loophole: ]
You promised me honesty.
( action )
Date: 2018-11-11 08:01 pm (UTC)[ there's some amusement to his voice, like he could almost laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. he's heard his fair share of rumors, about how his hands are stained with the blood of those he's murdered, of bodies he's killed, hidden. that he's got demon claws, like inej had mentioned, and all sorts of other descriptions.
somewhere in those following moments, the tension continues to ease. kaz lets himself be relieved that inej is here, that inej is safe, that she is here with him. it's selfish, and he knows that, but he lets it happen. lets the feeling settle. safety is never something that kaz takes for granted, knowing how little of it they ever really have, but right now? in this moment? where van eck is nowhere to be found?
he feels inej relax, and kaz lets that relief seep into him. there's more they should talk about, there's more that needs to be said, but as long as inej is feeling better and doesn't want to push, kaz will is going to let it go. doesn't want to, necessarily, bring it up. but then inej continues, and then he tenses again. you promised me honesty. ]
I invented a new trick. [ the tension is still there, right under his skin. ] I was going to get you back, whatever it took.
( action )
Date: 2018-11-11 09:56 pm (UTC)i invented a new trick, causes her lips to twitch into a faint smile, but the smile vanishes with his next statement, the tension boiling underneath his skin. and she reaches out, without hesitation this time, to take his wrist, gently curling her fingers around the fabric of his shirt, to get his attention. to look at her. ]
What new trick?
[ quiet, the conversation still private. ]
Did you all get off the island? Are the rest of you safe?
( action )
Date: 2018-11-12 12:12 am (UTC)her hand wraps around his wrist - gentle but insistent. his eyes fall to where her hand is wrapped around his wrist. his eyes remain on her hand for another moment before he lets out another breath, still not lifting his eyes to her, but also not tense under her hand. ]
Yes, the rest are safe. [ because that is an honesty he can give her. ]
( action )
Date: 2018-11-12 12:27 am (UTC)what is he hiding. and why won't he look at her.
inej lifts her free hand to touch the side of his face, to gently turn his head to face her, to look her in the eyes, her other hand still loosely on his wrist. it's a vulnerable position to be in, but she didn't get kidnapped and flown across an ocean to have kaz brekker dodging a simple question and refusing to look her in the eye.
she was worth more than that. ]
I do not want to hear this from Jesper; I am asking you.
[ quietly. ]
What new trick?
( action )
Date: 2018-11-12 04:21 pm (UTC)he flexes his fingers around the cane again, letting inej's frustration with him settle. it fits around him tightly, like the wool of his coat. her hand lifts, and he's aware of it, following the movement as it comes to settle against his cheek, as she turns his face towards her. his body tenses at the contact, like electricity had been shot down his spine, but he turns to her all the same. meets her eyes.
she's beautiful he thinks, briefly, as she sets her jaw.
inej does deserve the truth- that much kaz knows. inej deserves the truth, and her freedom, and all the great things she could ever way. a ship, a crew, access to ammunition, information to track down every slaver she could ever find. she deserves a better person than kaz could ever be, and he knows that, knows it to his core, and yet.
he meets her eyes - nothing in his gaze lends itself to hiding, to lying, to bluffing. he matches her gaze with a crafted, solid look of his own. there's something behind the dark irises that stare back at her, an admission that it wasn't even a full trick, not even a full plan, but merely the shape of one, mass and energy coalescing together. ]
I am going to make Van Eck pay. [ said simply, distinctly. like there is no question about it. ] I’m going carve his life hollow, burn his name from the ledger. There will be nothing left.
[ the words come not with hate- no, hate would be too simple. there is something else, something black and unforgiving behind his eyes. not directed at inej in any capacity, but present all the same.
and his vague answer has absolutely nothing to do with the fact his player currently has not read crooked kingdom and has no idea what he's planning but that's fine!!!! ]
( action )
Date: 2018-11-12 05:32 pm (UTC)inej doubts kaz thinks of it that way. he is very single-minded, and not all too concerned with the fate of the world outside of ketterdam. but he does value her, to . . . some extent, inej isn't sure, but she doubts if she were at his side, and if it were nina, or mattias, or wylan, or jesper in the claws of van eck, that he would be so hellbent on tearing van eck's heart from his chest.
or maybe he would. inej pretends to know kaz just as much as kaz pretends to know her. who knows what motivates him anymore. she had thought she knew, but it's obvious by now that she has no idea.
she seems to realize belatedly that kaz has tensed, with her hand against his face -- not moving away, but also not relaxed. and she watches his expression for a long moment before she withdraws her hand, fingers briefly caressing his cheek before she sets her hands in her lap, releasing his wrist in the same motion. and for a moment, she really has no idea what to say.
express frustration, maybe, or apologize. say everything she had wanted to say to him on the ship. try to pry more information out of him. find a corner to cry in because none of this was supposed to happen, because over her dead body would she allow kaz brekker to see her cry. give up and go to sleep. maybe all of the above.
but after all of that consideration, the only thought that pops into her head is: ]
Can I stay here, for the night?
[ it's quiet, tired, the exhaustion showing in her features as she ignores the little voice inside her head telling her that kaz just cringed at her physical touch, how would he react to someone sharing his space? and, to add to her question, a quiet explanation as she pushes her hair out of her face, gingerly touching the side of her face where the bruise is deepening: ]
I don't want to be alone, and Jesper will ask me too many questions.
( action )
Date: 2018-11-14 04:08 pm (UTC)the expression she gives him back tells him all he needs to know.
her question pulls an exhale from him, all of what he'd been holding in released in a single moment. his eyes fall to the bed, to where he should have just taken her hand, and where he'd lost out on his chance. ]
Of course. [ said simply, like there was never another option.
a few other phrases pop into his mind, then. i'd rather jesper didn't offer, anyway or i assumed you would. but kaz brekker, for all his mistakes and all his faults, knows well enough to go that far. instead, he pauses, collects himself enough as he turns to face the room again, staring out into the space. ]
I would- [ words flit by, options, roads he could take. he lets out another breath. she wanted honesty, she asked for honesty. ] Like that. If you stayed.
[ the ship comes back into focus for him, the wind whistling around them, inej's dream of owning a ship. stay in ketterdam...stay with me. he can't bring himself to repeat the words, knowing how that moment ends. ]
( action )
Date: 2018-11-15 12:04 am (UTC)it's complicated, and inej's heart aches, thinking of that moment -- because it would be easier if she hated him, or could cut him off easily. but she doesn't hate him, and inej doubts she ever will. kaz may not recognize it, but he saved her, and still saves her, and is the reason she alives. and no matter how hard she tries, it's hard to disconnect that image of him in her mind. he came back for her. some part of him must care. somewhere.
maybe. again, it's a different conversation for a different time. and so she sighs, undoing the clasp of her hood to remove it properly, to allow her hair room to actually dry. she should, honestly, change into something else, but doing so now is out of the question. inej still maintains her modesty. ]
So I'll stay.
[ simply enough, undoing the bracers on her arms, removing sankt petyr from his holster to set on the nearby bedside table. ginger, purposeful, in her actions. she hesitates for a moment, though, before swapping the bracers for the knife, setting them on the table and placing the knife underneath the pillow on the far end of the bed, against the wall. keeping it close.
but the memory of the ship is close, and she struggles with that for a moment. deciding whether to bring it up. to have that conversation . . . but instead, inej pulls her legs up onto the bed properly, to scoot herself back against the wall. she's impossibly small, in comparison to everyone else. fragile, unless you know what she's capable of.
for half a second, she considers what she's about to say, to protect herself from the rejection that's sure to come -- but in the next second, inej decides she doesn't give half a damn about kaz's comfort. she gives a damn about her own.
so, as she curls herself into the corner of the bed, leaving plenty of room for another person (or two, given how tiny she is): ]
You should lay down, too. Your leg needs to rest. So do you.
( action )
Date: 2018-12-18 11:49 pm (UTC)and whether that is the case, or the tension in his body has caused his leg to start to throb, kaz feels an exhale escape him when she finally speaks. so she will stay. so she wants to stay. and in the following movement as she undoes the braces and her hood and settles, kaz feels himself breath. relax. feel...at ease. it's a familiar enough sensation, that with inej he feels himself back into place, but he acknowledges the feeling with little regard to what it actually means.
because whatever it is, it will not last. they will return home, he will get them all their money, and she will be on her way. it is the future he has accepted, and will accept, no matter this setback.
inej moves to the corner of the bed, propping herself against the corner. there is a weight to the way she moves insofar that he can tell she is thinking about something. that there is something weighing on her mind, and therefore in her movement. but as she settles, and curls herself into the corner, her words...surprise him. and at her prompting his eyes turn down to his legs, feeling the slowly increasing throbbing move up his thigh, and he takes a breath. ]
We'll need food, too. And to lock the door. [ and for him to get up, and go to the other bed. but she is absolutely correct, his leg is hurting, which means that kaz brekker is going to just continue to be silent for a few more moments - as if he's thinking - to see if the pain will subside. ]
( action )
Date: 2018-12-26 05:28 pm (UTC)[ a bit more blithe, than she intended, but food is the last thing on her mind, now that they've finally obtained some semblance of peace and quiet. wandering around this place in the dark is the last thing she wants to do, and if kaz cannot run, then she can't adequately defend him in the condition that she's in. so she's quiet for a long moment, allowing her eyes to close, her breathing becoming more or less even, before she speaks again: ]
Stop being difficult for the sake of being difficult and lay down.
[ she won't touch him. ]
( action )
Date: 2019-01-05 06:49 am (UTC)and we've starved before, we'll starve again.
kaz can feel that part of him rile in his chest, the desperate child, dirtyhands, pulling apart the inside of his chest and screaming never again. but he doesn't give voice to the sound, doesn't so much as acknowledge the real, understood fear that they both have experienced. that they know. it's a moment (not the only, but one) that kaz feels connected to inej in more ways than just the dregs, and it takes him a second to process that. ]
I'm not being difficult. [ which, kaz realizes half a second too late, is in itself being difficult. and in realizing that, he tenses, then releases the tension, realizing that even with all that surrounds them it is still them, and he can still. relax.
except for the fact that inej says lay down and kaz looks back over to see how little of the bed she has curled into. puts together the pieces that she is telling him to lay down there. with her. there is a laundry list of reasons he shouldn't, reasons he should move over to the currently empty bed, but he also thinks about van eck. thinks about what she has gone through, the wounds she still suffers from. kaz opens his mouth to speak - did he hurt you, what did he do - but swallows it back instead.
he is exhausted. his leg is already hurting. he knows he won't sleep much anyway, once he makes it across the room - needing to check on her, needing to know she's still there, still alright. so instead, kaz lets out a breath, shifting every so slightly before he moves to lay down on the half of the bed inej has left open - as close to the edge as possible. he doesn't say anything as he does it, simply lays back and settles. he is still fully clothed, still has his cane tucked under his arm, but he is. laying down.
in the same bed with inej. which shouldn't be a point that sticks out to him, and yet the thought crosses his mind again. and again. even as exhaustion slowly starts to weigh on him, it is there. with each breath she takes, each sound she makes. he is as eased by it as he is on edge, but he has made his decision. ]
( action )
Date: 2019-01-05 06:11 pm (UTC)[ the suli word slips off her tongue automatically, a habit -- know nothing. it's a murmur, a tired one -- her eyes don't open, as she feels him shift to lay down, though the arch of her eyebrow twitches slightly, fighting off the urge to look -- surprised, really, that he actually did lay down, though part of her realizes that doing so is likely just to make sure she stays put. but even then, it's a certain tolerance of something he hates to appease her, which (inej admits) is the lowest of bars to satisfy, and inej is quietly thankful for the closeness, even if he somehow manages to feel far away.
why does he avoid touch, the skin-to-skin contact most people crave? it's a question that has bothered her since the ice court, since kaz passed out in that prison wagon on the way inside. he will never tell her, and inej would never think to pry it out of him. but kaz's weakness are obvious, if you know where to look. how quickly would he cave, being forced to touch someone, when he can barely manage being in the same proximity of the one he trusts the most? and even that is a stretch, given how much he hides from her, and how reluctant he is to share.
for the first time, in allowing her thoughts to settle, inej is glad van eck took her, and not kaz. kaz may very well break first. and the thought causes a weight to form in her throat, and inej draws in a deep breath, letting it out slowly to relax, to let the tension go. to will herself to focus on the fact that she is here, and not there. it's a new prison, but it's a prison with friends. and kaz. that's better than what she was in before.
she's not helpless, here. and that was the issue, in the end -- being taken made her feel helpless. being locked away made her feel as if she were back there, and inej runs her fingers along her left forearm, where the tattoo of the menagerie used to rest, before she exhales another breath.
she needs to talk about it, or share it, or do something. but only kaz, really, knows about the menagerie. and even then, he doesn't no one does, except perhaps nina, who had the great fortune to work somewhere that gave half a damn about her. and no one would dare mess with nina, who could cut off your breathing with a bat of her perfectly fluffed eyelashes. she had swore she would never feel so helpless again, and yet all it took was one man throwing her into a cell and chaining her legs together to be reduced to a helpless little girl again -- ]
Kaz --
[ she rests her hand in the center of the bed, fingers gently brushing against his arm -- almost moving to take it properly, but she stops herself. don't push your luck, inej. it's more to get his attention, anyway, inching backwards to give him more space. she almost tells him he doesn't need to sleep with his coat and gloves on, because she won't touch him, but instead she lets his name hang in the air for a long moment before she murmurs: ]
How did you break your leg?
[ she knows the story. she's heard it a hundred times, mostly heard in a lecture from kaz to anyone stupid enough to think that inej would fall off of a roof, like kaz did when he was young and stupid. you expect that little waif of a girl to be a spider? pere haskell was fond of complaining, before inej proved she could melt through walls and reappear in the blink of an eye. silent, deadly. it's a ridiculously stupid attempt to get him to relax, but also to get him to talk, so that she may have something to fall asleep to, other than the oppressive silence of their new prison cell. ]
( action )
Date: 2019-01-05 07:24 pm (UTC)it feels almost right, in the moment. that he responds the way he does, that she chastises him in another language, as they both settle onto the same twin bed with the barest sliver of space between them. it feels familiar, like they could be up in his office instead, with the window open and inej's foot hanging out of it. with papers, and boxes, and plans, all stacked around him. this feels almost familiar, almost, except for the unspoken quiet between them, the tension he can feel in her, even though she was the one to get him to lay back. he knows he should be relaxing, that there is merit to her telling him to rest - if they have any hope of getting out of this, out of here, it will not help to be exhausted and in pain.
but there are too many thoughts racing through his head - were you hurt, what did van eck do to you, what happened, how would you like me to gut him, how many ways are there to record his screams - that he nearly misses his name, quietly set out in the space between them. he can feel inej's body move, he can feel the barest hint of her fingertips across his arm, and it all feels quiet. hesitant. on edge. he hates that, about this. about how fragile he has made the space between them. but at the same time, that fragility is for their own good, if she ever plans on leaving ketterdam. if he is going to get her her money, her boat.
still - her fingers on his arm procure a kind of longing. a kind of feeling of wanting something that he knows neither of them can have. inej deserves better than the mess of mismatched lies that has created the dirty hands reputation, deserves better than what the barrel has to offer. what ketterdam has to offer. what he-
how did you break your leg?
the question catches him off-guard, in a way. it's not the first thing he thought she'd ask, nor is it the second, or third. it disrupts the hole he'd been falling into, that had been working his body tighter and tighter. she asks, and the question hangs, and kaz lets out a breath - slow, measured, soft - and it carries the tension in his body with it. ]
My leg? [ she's heard the story, he's told it to her countless times - on the days when she asked why he wasn't the one scaling rooftops, that if he knew so much why he didn't just climb up there to try. but in thinking back on the story, there are other layers to what had brought him to that point. why, in a way, he revelled in the pain in his leg, the limp to his gait. dirtyhands brekker could be picked out of a crowd because of his limp, if kaz wanted to be. it was as much of a calling card as anything could be.
so why was inej asking about it now? why did she want him to speak, to break the silence that had been hovering around them? the only answer kaz could think up would be that she wanted to hear a story, that she wanted to hear someone's voice, to not be alone here, even as they are laying side by side. so kaz lets out another breath, feels his body relax further into this too soft bed. ]
I was young. Young and stupid. [ it's how he always starts it, by setting the stage of where he had been. what he had been doing. ] I was on a job- and easy one, at that. Sneaking into a home of someone that doesn't matter anymore, had barely mattered then. I slipped and fell right off the side of the molding and heard a snap. The bones didn't set right when I had the leg looked at, and that was that. [ he takes his time with the words, a slow almost-drawl through the normally sharp, normally gravel tone he carried with him. he doesn't know if inej is asleep, yet, or if that was even what she was trying to do. to get him to talk long enough that exhaustion would pull her under. so he waits another second, maybe a second more, before turning slightly to look at her. just to check her breathing, to see if her eyes are closed. ]
( action )
Date: 2019-01-05 08:47 pm (UTC)she feels his head turn slightly, to look at her, but her eyes remain closed -- lying on her side, breathing evenly, silent . . . but she speaks, her voice still soft: ]
You need to learn how to fall without a net.
[ her fingers curl into the bedding slightly. ]
It's a lot less terrifying, once you fall for the first time.
( action )
Date: 2019-01-05 10:15 pm (UTC)to relax, to rest, to sleep. why she would want to do any of those with him on the bed next to her, he doesn't know. but he's not exactly in the position to question her. her eyes don't open when he turns, so part of him does believe she has fallen asleep. except there are her words, her fingers curling lightly on the bed.
almost. ]
I don't have many more legs to spare, Wraith. [ but the words are softer, quieter, part joke and part whisper as he is trying to let her fall further into sleep. ] So I'll leave the climbing to you.
[ kaz brekker does not quite let himself acknowledge whatever emotion it is that laces those words. fondness, softness, maybe something more. but whatever it is creeps its way around his walls, pulling a very, very small smile to his lips.
and then the moment passes, and kaz turns his eyes back up to the ceiling. to the strange architecture that is the room. he feels his own exhaustion pulling at him, making his body heavy, and almost belated he realizes there is...no real reason to fight it. ]
Sleep.
[ which is said as much to her as it is to him, as he lets his eyes fall closed. ]
( action )
Date: 2019-01-05 10:44 pm (UTC)[ a bit reproachful, an unspoken don't tell me what to do, however meaningless and irrelevant the threat is. but she can feel him relax, slightly, into the mattress, his own breathing slowing . . . it seems he's taking his own advice, and inej remains still, silent, her own breathing slow and careful. to trick him into thinking she fell asleep.
inej is not a good liar. she is a devout girl, firm in her beliefs, in her trust and faith in her culture, and her saints. kaz mocks them, but she tries her best to live a good life, and as a result, she is not a very good liar. but she also doesn't have to be -- she simply remains quiet, omitting the truth, speaking only when necessary. inej is good at being invisible, at being unnoticeable, and pretending she is not there. lying is more kaz's natural gift; inej is simply there to gather information, while he is busy weaving the tale.
so remaining still, silent, mimicking the breathing of sleep while her mind wanders. wanders to van eck. wanders to the cell she woke up in, right before being brought here. to being blindfolded, shackled, chained. having no idea where she was, or what van eck did to her. what he was planning on doing to her. kaz may only have one leg left to break, but inej has two. and will kaz truly come and save her, and get to her in time, before van eck kills her? if he comes at all?
he said he would, inej told herself silently. and kaz was not lying to her, then. he would come get her. he would come get you. he will save you. again. again, and you will owe him another favor, another debt. but you will live, and survive, and eventually, be free. you will be free.
she eventually drifts off into an uneasy sleep, hours later, breathing even, a hand underneath her pillow to curl her fingers around the hilt of sankt petyr. a security blanket, like the boy lying next to her. tricking her into thinking she is safe, for the time being. but it is sleep. a tiny moment of recovery, until inej has to wake up and properly deal with whatever has befallen them now.
but until that moment. she can sleep. ]